Doubts
by artic strawbehry
Summary: My take on what Marissa was thinking during the end of "The Escape". It's been done, I'm well aware of that, but humor me and read it.


A/N: This is just my thoughts on how Marissa felt during "The Escape". I can't remember exactly what was said, so I made it up as close as possible.  
  
Disclaimer: Alas, they're not mine.  
  
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The world was spinning uncontrollably. Everything was blurry. "When did my life become so complicated?" she thought to herself. "When did everything start spiraling downward?"  
A little voice inside her head whispered, "When Ryan got here. Everything was fine until he got here."  
"He didn't do anything wrong," she told the voice. "It's not his fault."  
"If he hadn't come, you'd still be with Luke," the voice said. "Your family wouldn't have fallen apart and taken you with it."  
"Ryan has nothing to do with my family falling apart," she screamed at the incessant barrage of doubts plaguing her mind. "If anything he's held me together and been there to pick up the pieces. And Luke is a lying bastard. That's in no way because of Ryan."  
"He started cheating on you because he noticed you had feelings for Ryan," the voice told her mockingly.  
"At least now I know the truth about him," she responded. "Leave me alone, I don't need this. Not now. No more doubts."  
"But that's who I am. I am your doubts and your fears. I can't leave," the voice said, mocking her.  
"I don't doubt Ryan!" she said, unsure if she was trying to convince the voice or herself, or if that was even the same thing.  
"Maybe not, but you doubt the decisions you've made regarding him. Maybe you just doubt yourself. Maybe you're the screw up, not Ryan," the voice whispered sardonically.  
"I've done nothing wrong," Marissa whispered.  
"You don't sound do sure, so confident. Are you positive? Think hard. If you hadn't become distracted with Ryan, Luke wouldn't have turned to Holly. That was your fault."  
Marissa felt a tear slip down her cheek.  
"What's the matter?" the voice taunted. "Not so sure you know what you believe anymore, are you?"  
"Go away. Just leave me alone," Marissa whimpered.  
"But you're just starting to understand. You're the cause of everyone's problems. The model home that burned down was your fault, Ryan getting beaten up was your fault, Luke cheating was your fault. This world would be better off without you in it."  
Tears were now flowing freely as Marissa allowed her self to give in to the doubts assaulting her mind. The door opened and she looked up.  
"There you are, we're been looking everywhere for you. Let me call Ryan and Seth and let them know I found you," Summer said all in one breath, eyes frantic.  
"Don't let her call them. You know what you have to do, and they won't let you," the voice told her.  
"No. Don't call them," Marissa said.  
"Okay, I won't call," she agreed. "Do you want to go home?"  
"Back to your family to screw everything up more. Oh yes, what a wonderful plan," interjected the voice again.  
She ignored the voice. "Yes," she said weakly.  
"I'll go pack our things from the bathroom," Summer said.  
Through the thin walls Marissa could hear her whispering in hushed tones about her to Seth.  
"Even she's against you, Marissa," the voice said. "Run away before she comes back. Take the pain medication she got for her mother and run."  
Marissa allowed herself to be swayed after only a few moments of non- thought. She grabbed the container and ran, not even bothering to close the door. The noise on the street was deafening. Everything was flashing and she couldn't see straight. She ducked into the first bar she saw and thanked whatever god was up there that it was empty. She failed to notice the three men in a booth in the corner.  
"You're here, why not have something to drink," the voice coaxed.  
Stumbling up to the counter, she quickly asked for a drink, then sat in the nearest chair and tried not to let any more of the precious tears fall. The drink was placed in front of her. She downed it without a second thought.  
"Does it hurt, Marissa? Does knowing how much pain you cause everyone cause you to hurt as well?" the voice asked.  
She nodded.  
"Do you want it to stop hurting?"  
Again she nodded.  
"Take the pills. They'll make it stop hurting."  
"How many," she asked the voice.  
"Until it stops hurting," it replied.  
Marissa opened the bottle and shook several of the capsules into her hand. "Is this enough?"  
"More," the voice instructed.  
She added a few more. "Is this enough to make the pain go away?"  
The voice paused before answering, almost as if it were thinking. "That's fine. Order another drink to help chase them down."  
She ordered another drink and when it was placed in front of her, she closed her eyes, then threw the pills into her mouth then poured her drink in after. She gagged, but somehow managed to get everything thing down. Something at the back of her mind was bothering her, questioning everything the voice had told her. She ignored the feeling and looked around the bar. Through her blurry, spinning vision, she could see three men staring at her from a corner.  
"They want to hurt you, Marissa. You should leave before they hurt you, just like everyone else has," the voice warned.  
Marissa grabbed at her bag, ignoring the few items that fell from it and made her way out back onto the street. It seemed louder than before, or maybe it was just because she could barely stand.  
"All these people want to hurt you, Marissa," the voice said.  
She stumbled and tripped as she tried to get away from everyone. A deserted alley looked like her best bet, so she made her way down towards the middle.  
Collapsing right as she reached a wall, she grasped at her stomach, which was starting to hurt.  
"I thought you said this would take away my pain," she accused the voice. When there was no response, she just screamed louder. "You lied to me!" The tears she had worked so hard to regain control of came cascading down her face as she tried to block out the pain. The world began to spin faster as the pain increased. Soon she could make out no shapes, only colors and blurs. She could faintly hear a new voice calling to her. She tried to focus on that one sound, but found the task too difficult. She was fading into a mockery of existence where there was only black. When two strong arms lifted her up, she couldn't feel them. Nor could she feel the single tear that fell onto her check as her lifeless body that had understood too late was cradled by someone that truly loved her.  
  
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A/N: Wow. I just started writing this during an extra study hall I received due to the excessive amount of work one of my teachers had. I thought I had lost it when my computer died, but luckily I had saved it already. Let me know what you think! 


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